Dysfunctionally Yours
by Toboe LoneWolf
Summary: Ghost stories? Curry battles? Training with umbrellas? Yeah, really. NarutoSD is actually Tenten's drunken retelling of all of Team Gai's hijinks. But sometimes even Tenten misses a few things...most notably, why Neji just keeps acting funny around her. Pt3: According to Tenten's text, today translated to "Guys I am going to get straight up drunk, there is no hope, I need a lift."
1. Clueless

**Summary:** Ghost stories? Curry battles? Training with umbrellas? Yeah, really. NarutoSD is actually Tenten's drunken retelling of all of Team Gai's hijinks. But even Tenten misses a few things...most notably, why Neji just keeps acting funny around her.

**A/N: **What's this? Toboe's _writing again?_ Yes really! (Don't hold your breath guys; I'm rustier than the Titanic.) For those that don't know, NarutoSD (aka _Rock Lee's Springtime of Youth_), is a chibi spinoff anime/manga, with Team Gai as the main characters. It is wondrously light-hearted and deliciously cracky. This fanfic is going to be a one-shot collection showing how all of that craziness that happens in the NarutoSD show _totally could be canon. _Except, with a fair warning: loads and loads of Nejiten shipping, because I AM a Nejiten shipper and if I want I can see everything through my Nejiten shipping goggles. Still, there will be plenty of Team Gai hilarity involved, because I will love this team forever.

**A/N 2: **A shout-out to riah_chan on LJ who first gave me this headcanon, Cheese1300 on DA/tumblr, and Wroathe for giving me the push to get this fanfic written.

**Disclaimer: **Toboe owns no rights to _Naruto _or _NarutoSD_, and knows very well there's a difference when one has shipping goggles on. Please remember that 1) it's for lulz and 2) you can wear whatever shipping goggles you want.

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**Dysfunctionally Yours**

_Chapter 1: Clueless_

"It's like my team randomly turns into a comedy routine!"

Tenten rolled her eyes as she finished her drink, while Sakura debated patting Tenten on the shoulder…yet again. Hinata already was, as she had been doing for the last fifteen minutes. Ino, on the other hand, was snorting it up at the latest Team Gai story Tenten had just griped about at the bar.

While being a ninja did require being a _little_ crazy (they began, after all, running around throwing fireballs and sharp pointy objects at the very mature age of six), it was universally agreed upon that Tenten was on the craziest team of all. No matter what bizarre story any of the girls had during their sporadic weekly get-togethers, Tenten always had a story to top them all. Which she did, in usually near-drunken levels, because that was the only way it made any sense.

Some people might be concerned that Tenten spent so much time grumbling about her team at a bar. But when Tenten tells you that she had discovered Lee and Gai-sensei trying to build a giant robot for the defense of Konoha in case Pein ever returned, in all seriousness…well. You couldn't really begrudge Tenten venting some steam or trying to wipe out the memories with a glass or two of beer. (Thankfully, it didn't take much, as Tenten – like the rest of her team – was a lightweight.)

From the look of Tenten's deeply furrowed brows though, today might require more than the usual round of drinks. Sakura motioned to the barkeep for another glass of beer for the kunoichi staring down at her empty glass as if it had the answers to all her questions.

Tenten gave a thankful nod to Sakura as a new tankard of beer was set before the weapons mistress. "Thanks, Sakura. Man, I don't know what's _up_ with my team sometimes. I mean, sure, eventually you start to expect Gai-sensei and Lee's antics, but _Neji…_" Tenten waved a hand helplessly. "Sure, he's a genius shinobi, but sometimes it's like he's completely clueless!"

Ino snickered. "Uh-_huh._ What, he still hasn't figured out you have a crush on him?"

"_What?_" Tenten spluttered, then leaned over the bar to glare over at Ino on the other side of Sakura. "Ino! That's _not— _I don't have a crush on him!"

"Says the girl who's blushing…" Ino teased, lazily twirling and pointing a finger back at Tenten's flushed face.

Sakura jabbed Ino with an elbow. "Ino, maybe it's because we're at a _bar—"_

"I'm gonna need another drink," Tenten mumbled, lifting up her glass and taking a big gulp. Her face _was_ red, but from her dark brooding look and the rhythmic clink of a kunai on the countertop dissuaded any more potential teasing about Tenten's crush.

But just because _they_ weren't saying anything didn't mean Tenten wouldn't—

"Since when was Neji a romantic lover _anyway?!"_ Tenten suddenly wailed, throwing her hands up in the air again.

Ino promptly went back to peals of laughter.

" 'S'not funny," Tenten muttered, a bit slurred as the alcohol began kicking in, happily fuzzing things over for the still perplexed weapons mistress. "He jest—just—_asked_, out of nowhere…No wait. Me'n'Lee were talking about movies."

A giant grin came across Ino's face as all the other kunoichi recognized this was going to be another hilarious tale about Team Gai. Hinata got ready to pat Tenten some more and Sakura got on guard to smash Ino's blabbermouth if necessary.

"Yeah, like, I was telling Lee needed to talk a break from his training or else he'd _break_ something, and he just looked at me like I was an _alien_ for wanting to take a break."

Tenten understood Lee's fanatic passion for training up to a point – it wasn't like Tenten hated training. Quite the opposite, actually. But Lee took it to such extreme levels that Tenten was always afraid that one day something would go terribly, horribly wrong – one too many weights, one slip on a too high clifftop, a stupid handicap that Lee wouldn't let go – and Lee would be stuck in the hospital again.

"I said maybe Lee could at least go watch a movie, 'cause it'd only be for a few hours and he wouldn't be doing five thousand pull-ups in the theater or something inane like that."

Lee wouldn't. He was just that polite and considerate. He was just completely inconsiderate of _himself_, the green goofball…

Tenten sighed. "And you know Lee. Next thing I knew I was telling him about every movie currently showing, because Lee had to know which movie would be best for _training…_"

And all of a sudden, all those mindless summer blockbusters suddenly became the Worst Idea Ever to Tenten. Because Tenten just _knew_ Lee would try replicating whatever _completely impractical_ action-stunts were in the movie, and no matter that it would be all CGI, Lee would take it all onto himself as a challenge and Tenten would go absolutely crazy.

"And then Neji walks in, and he asks us what's going on, and I tell him, and then OUT OF NOWHERE_,_ he holds up three tickets for _Huntsman_ and says we should all go!"

Tenten _still_ didn't understand, but at least with the alcohol in her system now she didn't have to. Tenten was at this point happily fuzzed over, and it didn't seem to matter too much now that the _Huntman _was a romantic semi-tragedy about some star-crossed lovers – some brown-haired huntsman and one of those rare civilian Hyuuga that went into acting instead of being a ninja – probably how Neji had gotten advanced tickets, now that she thought about it – there'd been a lot of action in it, anyway, and the stunts weren't _too_ ludicrous so Lee _probably_ wouldn't kill himself, and the huntsman actor _was_ kinda hot—

"The _Huntsman?_" Sakura asked, pulling Tenten out of her semi-dazed state.

"Yeah. The big romantic blockbuster," Tenten said, taking another sip of her drink. "Can you _believe_ it? Seriously! I'd never pegged Neji to be the sappy romantic tragedy type!"

Sakura was chuckling, and Ino was right-out _guffawing_, but Hinata—

Hinata, on the other side where Tenten couldn't see at the moment, had big white eyes as if she'd had a Giant Revelation and a light flush that _wasn't_ due to the alcohol because the Hyuuga heir didn't drink—

_Oh._

Because Hinata, unlike Tenten, knew the other half of the story. _She _knew, what happened that night before Neji asked Hiashi for advanced tickets. Even her father didn't know, although by now he might have guessed the true reason.

Because the night before, Neji – with such awkward stuttering, that Hinata had thought she was hearing herself – Neji had asked _Hinata_ what girls liked. Not Tenten, which Hinata had thought was strange. And, since Hinata hadn't known, she had told her cousin the typical things like flowers and chocolates and romantic movies—

_Oh. T__hat's why Neji nii-san was asking what girls liked. He wanted to invite _you_._

Hinata glanced at Tenten, who'd face-planted onto the bar, clearly giving up at trying to understand her dysfunctional team. Hinata gently patted Tenten's back and Tenten inarticulately garbled something about "socially-inept teammates," and a tiny smile crept on Hinata's face.

_Tenten-san, you're just as clueless as the rest of your team, sometimes._


	2. Symmetry

**A/N: **omg guys I actually updated this within a feasible schedule. The world might be ending soon. Hold onto your seats, we're in for some more Nejiten shenanigans! (Still kinda rusty guys; this idea was just a quick one before the absolutely hilarious main one from ep22.)

_NarutoSD reference:_ ep22

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_Chapter 2: Symmetry_

"Hinata," Tenten said, taking great care to enunciate each word as she was necessarily inebriated, "does the Hyuuga family value symmetry?"

The Hyuuga heir blinked at Tenten's random question. "Symmetry?"

Tenten nodded. "Yeah. Like, if one of your shirt arms got ripped off, would you rip off the other one too just to make it symmetrical?"

"No. _Way._" Ino slammed her glass onto the bar countertop, instantly guessing the perpetrator. "Neji did _that?"_

Tenten threw up her hands in the air. "That's what I want to know!"

Tenten, Hinata, Ino, and Sakura were once again at a Konoha bar. The girls weren't particularly picky – alcohol was alcohol, so long as there were hot boys (for Ino), a clean bill on the food inspection (for Sakura), and not located in or near the Red Light District without too many creepers (for Hinata, or rather, her father). The bar today was a nice little establishment, with cool blue colors and only a few patrons at this hour. Shinobi came in at random times due to missions and training, but most of the civilian population of Konohagakure was still at work.

"You can't possibly be serious," Sakura said. Neji? Ripping off his shirt? That was almost straight out of the cheap romance novels she—that _Ino_ had given her, right.

"He _did,_" Tenten groused, cupping a hand around her beer glass. "Right out of nowhere. Okay, _almost_ nowhere, but still!"

"Tell, tell, tell!" Ino grinned and shoved her stool even closer to Tenten, anticipating yet another hilarious tale.

Tenten rolled her eyes – sometimes, she thought Ino came only to obtain the latest gossip, except Ino never really blabbed, truth be told. Usually because the tale was too crazy to actually believe, which made it poor gossip material.

"We got this mission two days ago to escort a civilian schoolteacher to another village. Along the way we got challenged by a pair of thugs – probably the reason we were hired. Except the thugs were wearing this incredibly impractical armor..."

Tenten hadn't believed what her eyes were telling her when she'd first seen them. First, that anyone thought that armor was actually useful. Second, that their team, the _elite_ Team Gai (if she did say so herself, crazy team notwithstanding) had been hired for this.

Said thugs were wearing plate armor with giant, enormous spikes everywhere. Helmet, chest plate, gauntlets, greaves – you name it, they were wearing it, with spikes jutting out in every direction, on every conceivable location. They were like giant metal porcupines with rhino horns.

Tenten couldn't figure out how they'd even walked through the forest without tangling themselves on everything.

After the understandable few seconds of Just Plain Gaping, Lee had promptly made a self-challenge to defeat them _hand-to-hand_ because sensibly wiping them out with a few thrown kunai would be too easy.

And before Tenten could stop him, Lee had thrown himself at the Giant Metal Porcupines. Luckily, Neji had reacted in tangent with Lee, so Tenten didn't have to worry about Lee impaling himself or something equally ludicrous. One aborted Konoha Senpuu, one neat Neji-pluck, and three kunai a la Tenten, and the thugs learned that spikes meant nothing against one well placed blade in an chink of armor.

"Stupid Lee, his outfit got ripped all over from the spikes. And Neji, well, you know, he's got those long, flowing sleeves, so they got torn up a bit too. And _then..."_

In the aftermath, where Lee wailed a farewell tribute to his beloved green spandex suit that Gai-sensei had given him (ignoring the fact that Lee had seventeen more just like it in his closet and three in his packs), Neji had eyed his ripped up shirt with some distaste. At least, Tenten thought it was distaste.

"So Neji _looks_ at me, like I'm gonna fix it – but just because I'm good with weapons doesn't mean I'm gonna _sew_ stuff for him!"

"Hear hear," Sakura grumbled, raising her own glass to Tenten's side-rant.

Tenten automatically clinked glasses and took another sip – because she wasn't _nearly_ enough out of it for the next part.

It just – Neji had just had this _strange_ look, that Tenten half-began to wonder if those thugs had done some genjutsu or pulled off some weird grass pollen jutsu.

"So then – so _then_ – Neji just rips his sleeve off!"

WHILE STARING AT HER.

"And _THEN_ he rips off his other sleeve too!"

STILL STARING.

He'd even flexed his arms, testing this new way of wearing clothes. Like he was expecting a reaction.

Well, he got one.

It wasn't the one he expected.

Back in the bar, Tenten threw up her arms. "What was he thinking, that he was some macho Tarzan ninja?"

Envisioning Neji Hyuuga as a macho Tarzan ninja made the rest of the kunoichi at the bar break out laughing. Even Hinata, although it was more a bit of a chuckle at her cousin's expense.

"I don't get it!" Tenten continued to rant. "It's not like Neji's not built like one – Ino say anything and DIE – and I'm pretty sure Neji wasn't on drugs, but really! _Where did that come from?!"_

Tenten whirled around and grabbed Hinata's shoulders, brown eyes desperately focusing on white ones. "So. You have to _tell_ me Hinata, or I'll go crazy. Is it some sort of Hyuuga symmetry thing? Is Neji OCD? Does he hate having one thing longer than the other? Why did Neji RIP HIS SHIRT OFF?"

Meanwhile Sakura and Ino were laughing hysterically on the other side, Ino slapping her hand so hard against the countertop that their beer glasses rattled.

She'd _never_ thought it'd turn out to be this.

Not that Ino could say anything, or else Tenten would reportedly kill her, but Neji had stopped by the flower shop three days ago. He hadn't bought anything, just browsed.

But he _could_ have noticed the cheap romance novel Ino had been idly flipping through while waiting for a customer to make a purchase. Hey, Ino had been bored; it wasn't like _Neji_ was going to buy flowers for anyone. The cover of the novel had been the typical hot model, muscles rippling through a half-torn shirt as he trenched through a jungle background.

Ino was _pretty sure_ Neji had seen it. It wasn't like Ino had been hiding it, after all.

And Ino could link two and two together.

Too bad Tenten couldn't.


	3. Swimsuits

**A/N:** oh hai gaiz. Still rusty, but still writing! Thank you all for your precious reviews; you guys are the reason I'm still writing! Well, that and for Nejiten, lulz, and great justice. ;D

_NarutoSD episode reference: 22_

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_Chapter 3: Swimsuits_

Since ninja had erratic free time, the kunoichi never had regularly scheduled meetups. It was more like a random call or text of "Hey, I'm free, wanna hang out?" or "OMG I gotta tell you guys this!" or "blasdfzfrrgh," which translated to "Guys I am going to get straight up drunk, there is no hope, I need a lift." Not surprisingly, it was Tenten that used the last mode of communication most frequently.

This time, the kunoichi found Tenten completely plastered, face planted straight on the bar countertop, one hand dangling loosely and the other clutched tightly around a nearly empty wine bottle as if it were the last remaining source of sanity on this poor earth. Judging by the spray of kunai embedded into the back bar and the bartender's careful edging around the patently still-dangerous weapons mistress, Tenten wouldn't accept anything else.

Immediately Sakura sighed and pulled up her medic jutsu, so Tenten wouldn't have _as_ bad of a hangover. Meanwhile Hinata quietly told the bartender that yes, they would take care of the clearly distraught kunoichi at the bar and Ino leaned over to pluck Tenten's kunais free, neatly arranging them back on the counter for Tenten to collect.

"Tenten, what _happened?"_ Sakura admonished, as her green glowing hands came down to rest on Tenten's temples.

Tenten turned her head to the side, blearily cracked an eye open, and then immediately closed her eye again as the world spun around. She made an unintelligible groan.

The other kunoichi were experienced enough to not bother pushing Tenten further, and just gathered around to support the much-put-upon member of Team Gai. Finally, after a couple heaves of tearless sobs and a few backrubs from Hinata, Tenten croaked out what had utterly shattered her worldview:

"Guys," Tenten sniffled, "I think Neji's gay."

Moment of silence.

"Bartender, another round of drinks."

Sakura gasped and glared at Ino. "Ino! Don't _do _that—"

"What? If one of the hottest guys of Konoha is officially off the market this _so_ calls for drinks." Ino plopped down next to Tenten and poured out the rest of the wine bottle into Tenten's glass, then slid a handful of bills across and motioned for the bartender to _hurry it up._

"But—"

Ino ignored her and popped open the second wine bottle's cork, filling Tenten's glass to the top and shoving it towards Tenten, who morosely stared at the glass of wine before her. It had betrayed her. No matter how much she drank, she wasn't _ever_ going to forget That Look Neji had made. It was burned into her _brain_, seared through like hot iron, forever to haunt her memories. Maybe she should ask Ino to erase them. The Yamanaka clan had a lot of mind jutsu, didn't they?

Tenten sighed and tugged her new-filled glass towards her. Her head was swimming and yet it still wouldn't _go away._

"Tenten-san? I-I don't think, that is, um, Neji's not—" Hinata stuttered, forefingers poking together with a beet red face.

Tenten waved a floppy hand. "That's what I thought too. Nope."

"But that joke's been going around—" Sakura protested.

Tenten whacked her head back onto the bar counter. "It's no use," she muttered into the woodwork. "Neji'll _never_ look at me like that."

Above Tenten's dejected body, three sets of eyes were the size of dinner-plates. The silence grew longer, and longer, as everyone knew Tenten was going to have to explain herself before anyone moved from this spot.

With another sigh, Tenten hunched her shoulders back up and turned her head so she wasn't mashing her mouth against wood, and began to relate her sad, sad tale.

"So it's the end of summer, right? And Gai-sensei says at least _once_ per summer we have to enjoy our springtime of youth, forgetting the whole summer/spring thing. Whatever. _I_ wasn't complaining 'cause it'd be a great break from missions…"

Besides, their _last_ mission had been in Suna. And Tenten _much_ preferred the sand at the beach with a cool ocean than getting sand everywhere and no time for a bath. So sure, Tenten jumped at the chance to relax at the beach. Plus, it gave her a chance to test something out. Last time Hinata and Ino had pulled her aside and tried explaining why Neji had been acting so weird. Tenten, at the time, had thought it'd been a giant coincidence, but what if it was true? So she'd been hoping that, well, something would _happen…_

She should've known better. The last time she'd gotten a new swimsuit, Lee and Gai-sensei had spent it training-slash-try-to-see-Sakura's-swimsuit anyway and Neji was still a silent stick-in-the-mud.

"Right. Yeah. So, you know, Sakura said Naruto looked pretty hot when he trained with the waterfall—"

_"Whaaaaaa—!?"_

_"Shut it, Ino-pig!"_

Tenten continued, ignoring the tussle right over her. "So I figured, hey, if I get all wet and then walk up to Neji, something'll happen, right?"

And that's what she'd done. Dove into the ocean, swam around a bit to cool off and give an impression that she _wasn't_ keeping track of Neji's position underwater.

So when she'd risen up from the water, her gaze had been directly at Neji.

"Except he wasn't looking at _me_, or at least _nobody._ No, he was, he was—" Tenten hiccupped. "He was staring at _LEE—"_

Silence.

And then there were three simultaneous cries of, _"NO WAY!"_

Ino grabbed Tenten's shoulders out of Sakura's hands and began shaking Tenten like a rag doll. _"Listen_ to me, Tenten! You must've been looking from the wrong angle, or it's those huge Byakugan pupils, because I _swear _that Neji is _crazy about you_ and there is no way in _hell_ that Neji was looking at Lee—"

"But he was!" Tenten wailed. "He was _blushing!"_

Another simultaneous round of, _"NO WAY!"_

Tenten groped for the wine bottle. "Lemme at it, it's not enough, I can't forget it—"

Sakura shoved the alcohol aside and tried to get Tenten to focus. There were flailing arms and streaming tears and possibly some snot (obviously, Tenten was Distraught with a capital D) until finally Sakura thought _screw it, I'll explain to Tsunade-shishou later._ With a second light touch to Tenten's head, Tenten instantly collapsed back down, fast asleep.

Everyone else stared at Sakura. Sakura put her hands on her hips. "What? If Tenten kept going at it she was going to get alcohol poisoning—"

Hinata still looked poleaxed, but Ino managed to shake herself out of shock and lift a finger to point behind Sakura. When Sakura glanced around to see what had her normally impervious friend/rival in such a daze, Sakura nearly fell over in shock herself.

It was Hyuuga Neji.

He made a straight beeline for his knocked-out teammate, only giving Hinata a cursory nod of respect, before scooping up Tenten in his arms. No one said anything. Everyone else just stared, with Hinata still holding up her cellphone with her thumb still on the _Send_ button from texting her cousin earlier, "Tenten v. sad. Help?"

With Tenten cradled in his arms, Neji turned around and walked right out the bar without saying a word to anyone.

As if this were a perfectly normal occurrence, Neji strolled through the streets of Konoha carrying Tenten. He did, at least, take the care to choose a path where there were few passerby at this late hour. Neji made no effort to try waking his female teammate.

Because he was pretty sure Tenten would kill him if she knew the truth. The whole truth.

The truth was, Neji had actually been looking at Tenten the entire time _until_ she'd come up out of the water. Suddenly embarrassed, Neji had furtively changed his gaze to look at anywhere _but_ Tenten and happened to turn towards where Lee and Gai-sensei were training with shellfish.

Neji would never admit that he'd been _peeking_, after all.

It'd been hard enough not to say anything rude when Tenten skipped out in a tiny little red bikini, with that grin of hers. Or to drop his sunglasses when she slipped into the water and rolled around like a sleek otter. Or to not turn _completely_ beet-red like his cousin did when Tenten rose up out of the water, skin glistening in the sunlight—

His hands tightened protectively around Tenten. If he was lucky, no one would ever, ever figure it out.

**x x x**

Back in the bar, Ino was the first to break the silence.

"Someone _please_ tell me they got that on camera."


End file.
